The Gurly Life

White elephant gifts

Have you ever been to a white elephant gift exchange party? It's where you bring crappy gifts you don't want and then swap them around with other people. One man's trash and all that. The point, of course, is not so much to get something good (at least that's my understanding of such a gathering) but to have fun. I imagine that most of the stuff at these gatherings is not wanted by any of the attendees. But hey, at least it provides an evening of silliness.

I once went to one of these parties hosted by a law school collegue who is more hip than I am, and was certainly more concerned about being hip then than she is now. (I like her more now, for the record.) So, I showed up with my white elephant gift, a CD of some music, I think it may have been a famous movie or Broadway soundtrack. Not my style, but I thought someone else might actually like it. So I was kinda psyched, you know, I would get rid of something I would not listen to but no doubt someone would just love to get their hands on it.

Except as it turns out, it wasn't that kind of party. It was more of a "let's see who can bring the coolest gift to the gift exchange." Mmh. This, I had not anticipated, but I thought, that's ok, my gift could still be something someone wants, right? But as the night wore on and more gifts were opened and people stole them from each other, I realized that no, my gift was hopelessly uncool. I mean, come on! Someone brought an original Mr. Potato Head still in the box - who doesn't want Mr. Potato Head?

The "I'm too sexy for my present" character of the party was confirmed when finally someone opened my gift, and the hostess squealed in horror and demanded to know who brought such a lame gift. I pretended not to hear. Back then I still had some distant hope that cool people would think I was cool (hah!). Now I would speak up and then enjoy watching the person squirm once they realize what a jerk they just were. Or maybe I wouldn't even care enough for that. Anyway my gift languished, unstolen, and was finally "forgotten" by whoever had opened it, as they walked away from it like it was a hot steaming turd. It is probably still disappointing white elephant gift partiers across the nation. I'm not bitter, why do you ask?

Maybe one of these years I will host a white elephant gift party, and anyone who brings a cool gift will have to wash all the dishes and will take home all the crappy gifts to boot. Don't say I didn't warn you. And to get us started, Ivy the Monkey Goddess will contribute this gem:

Yes, it's a Santa snuggy that her best friend got on QVC for her at, like, 3am. I suspect alcohol might have been involved. Some people drunk dial, some people drunk gift shop. What he didn't realize, beyond the sheer horror of it all, is that the material is a super cheap fleece that sheds like a cat in spring and is almost greasy to the touch. You know the stuff.

Yeah. You know what? Right about now Ivy would be grateful to have gotten that lame CD, instead.

I'm thinking maybe I should start one of those one-post-a-day blogs with crappy gifts submitted by people all over the world.

Overly ambitious

Last night I went out to practice night photography with my meetup group, the Lightchasers of So Cal. A lovely bunch, by the way, fun and laid back and very very talented. We met in downtown LA at 7pm, meandered and took photos until about 10, and by 10:30 I was in bed, and out shortly after that. I was very happy this morning when I woke up all awake and everything, and I've been able to get a bunch of work done today. I thought, check me out, I'm practically ready for Machu Picchu. Nothing can stop me. Nothing!

Until about 5 in the afternoon, when suddenly my brain settled, saggily, with a heavy sigh (it might have been a fart, I'm not sure), and, much like the federal government, shut down.

Had my brain been working, I could have tweeted about this. But, as the adage goes, if I were smarter, it would have been shorter. Actually, it goes, if I'd had more time, it would have been shorter. See what I did there? I changed it to suit what I was saying. Instead, I'm just rambling about it at unnecessary length.

But I digress. The point is, I'm barely conscious. I think one or both of my eyeballs may have slithered out of my head and is resting on my cheek, because I'm kinda seeing double and my 3D vision is mildly compromised. Thankfully I was almost done with work, and I was able to shift gears to something that required less brain power.

The first day of spring

Technically it's not spring yet, we have another week to go. In some parts of the world, it's a week to fall. Whatever. Saturday night, we leaped joyously forward with our clocks. While I understand that many of my friends, who have young children, find this a mixed blessing - or just a damn fucking curse, depending on their kids' sleep schedule - for me this is the end of the shortdaylongnight energy suck that is winter. Frankly, I don't even care if it's warm or not. I care that the days are getting longer, and that it's lighter later.

That I'm a morning person is not a surprise to anyone, and neither is that I don't like to stay out (or up) late. Not at all. In my view, if it's dark out, I should be in bed. So I suffer bravely through winter each year, mostly wishing I could go to sleep now.

Conversely, I love long days. I have more energy, I sleep less and better, and I'm not always fighting that damn sunset. I'm the anti-vampire. I mean can you imagine? That just makes it so much more likely that I'll end up in "the" relationship with a vampire. That'll teach me.

But I digress.

First day of spring. More or less. I guess it's not surprising then that the amount of work that has befallen me has now reached epic proportions, and I've doled out some of it to 3 different attorneys, hopefully 4 by tomorrow. On Wednesday I'm interviewing an attorney who might be able to help with the overflow, a contract guy.

First day of daylight, and I was actually pretty productive, but I didn't get to do some other important stuff. I was supposed to go take photos of a city hall/police department for our new website, and I didn't. I was supposed to go to my chiro, I'm about due for a clickety clackety, and I didn't.

Well, there's always tomorrow, with more daylight.

I'll think about that tomorrow

The Italian Divorce

has stalled. As you might remember, about 2 years ago I finally decided to move forward with getting this registered with the Italian government. I've been divorced from Mario since 1998, so really, it's about time. I am almost there. I got all the certified court documents, all the translations, and then I just got so bored of the whole damn thing that I forgot about it for a month (or two). I still need one more document from the Italian Consulate, and then I can send it all in and that should be that. Tomorrow I finish this thing. What. A. Hassle.

The Right Hip

is no worse, but not really much better. I've been going to my chiro (gentle chiro, not one of those cracky crazy guys that snap your spine), and I'm trying to schedule PT but I'm just so not thrilled about having to make up the time that I will lose by going to PT. But, it has to be done. I'll call tomorrow.

Calling In The One

I'm still working through that. I'm sort of stuck because I'm at a point in the course where I have to pull together a bunch of stuff that I've been scribbling in my journal for a symbolic ritual. I had to go through the journal and highlight all the beliefs and crap that is disempowering, and when I looked at the whole thing together, there was A LOT of nonsense. It took a while to get through it. Now I have to transcribe it on a separate piece of paper. Oh god. If for no other reason, the ritual will work because by then I will be so sick of all my whiney disempowering beliefs that it won't take much to let them go. I will not be done by tomorrow. This weekend, though.

The Vision Board

has also stalled, somewhat. It should pick up again soon. So I'm at a loss for video blog topics, though I am considering something like singing happy birthday for friends and family or something equally awful. For you, that is. But fear not, I don't intend to subject you to videos of me screeching The Sound Of Music or anything like that. The vision board will be back soon.

Yoga

is going well. The ideal yoga schedule for me is a 90 minute class every other day. Easier said than done. I am still struggling with headstand. I can stay up for about 3 minutes, but my balance is not good and I still can't go up and down with straight legs. Lotus is still a ways away. However, my spine is getting much more flexible, and my lower back stronger so that when I do back bends, the bend is not in my lower back but in my thoracic spine, which is where you want the back bend to go. By the way, backbends put me in a good mood -- must be all that opening of the heart.

Random Stuff

I saw this license plate yesterday. If you don't get it, don't worry about it. But if you do - squeee!

How vomiting a lot is like a marathon

Yesterday, something I ate disagreed with me. Either that, or I had a migraine coming on and it made me sick. Not sure which one came first, the head and the stomach go hand in hand, as it were.

I threw up from about 5pm to about 11:20pm, every 20 minutes. It took that much vomiting for whatever it was to finally make its way out of me. Thing about vomiting is that you're using all those powerful stomach and esophagus muscles backwards. So doing that every 20 minutes for almost 6 hours is, in my opinion, almost like running a marathon: at the end I'm exhausted and need to sleep, I'm dehydrated, and I've lost 2" around my hips. Except at the end I don't get a medal or a pat on the back, and I certainly don't get that feeling of accomplishment. On the plus side, I don't have blisters on my feet.

My shorts, part deux

The shorts arrived. I'm testing them this morning, on a walk. They look okay, except they make my calves look pretty fat. On the plus side, I don't have kankles. Kankles are the worst. I'd die if I had kankles. Literally, I would die.

They arrived just in time, it's gonna be a hot day.

Pics will follow.

Oily toes

I have had a bottle of baby oil in my bathroom for probably about two years. At this point, I don't remember why I bought it, I think someone told me that it was helpful when shaving (legs and armpits, not chin). I never did use it because now baby oil is actually baby oil gelgoop, and it is just useless. I'd clean forgotten about it until yesterday, when I accidentally knocked it off its window sill perch, and the plastic container broke like any glass bottle would.

The oilgelgoop got all over the tub. I cleaned it off and then forgot about it. This morning I got in the shower and almost slipped like I was on a frozen pond. I scrubbed the oilgelgoop clean off the bathtub and as best I could off my feet, but apparently not well enough. The best part was that it was so slippery that the only way I could stand in the tub without falling down was by bracing my feet against the sides of the tub.

So this morning my toes are well lubricated. It's not as sexy as it sounds.

Awkward as fuck

During law school, I took a semester away from school to extern for a District Court judge (this is a federal judge at the trial level for anyone who's already lost). It was a blast, the work was interesting, and the then-clerks and other extern and I are all still friends and we follow each other's goings-on on Facebook.

Every year the judge, who has a number of children and a slew of grandchildren, has a reunion for all the former clerks and externs. This is a very nice thing to do, and presents a great networking opportunity, too. I try to go every year because I can. Plus I really like the judge.

Problem is, I am always the only single person there. Always. Now, I don't know if it's because all the single people stay away from this event, or if I'm just the only loser in the bunch, or what, but somehow it's always really weird for me to show up alone and then not have a husband and children (and maybe even grandchildren) to talk about. The judge, bless his heart, is very family-oriented, and always gives me a sad and pitying look when I once again confirm that I am not only still single, but childless. Oh, the ignominy.

And so, what is a pretty darn good life for 364 days out of the year is suddenly cause for awkward looks and uncomfortable changes of subject, or I'm just plan ignored. I still go because I figure one of these days I'll just be written off as a frigid old maid, and then I can enjoy myself again because the pressure will be off, and because hot diggity, it's nice to see the judge and sometimes I meet cool people. But I'm really hoping that one of my friends will go with me this year, and bring her girlfriend. I'll still be the only single person, but at least I'll be with friends. I'm not ready to be written off as the crazy cat lady of the group.

Golf

To be honest, I do not really get the whole golf thing. I do get being outdoors and doing something physical (though I think that the carts are cheating - not that I wouldn't use one, I would cheat, hell yeah, I'm just sayin'), and especially in a place like this:

This is the Hacienda Golf Course, in La Habra Heights, a small city but with lots of beautiful houses nestles in the hills above La Habra.

These flowers are what you look at when you park your car. And they also have lots of lovely trees. I was quite taken by this one:

Errands

Wednesday, I barely worked. The weekend wiped me out, and Tuesday I started work at 7:30am and didn't get home till 11pm. And it was all work, all the time, so it's not like I went out to dinner with friends. In fact, I was in front of a city council from 7:30pm till about 10pm, getting grilled about an ordinance. Fortunately, it wasn't just me, I had a couple of other people from the city with me, which made it much easier, but it was still tiring as all get out.

So Wednesday, I goofed off. Well, it wasn't even like I had much choice, I was pretty zonked.

Instead of working, mom and I started off the day going to an immigration office. It used to be easy, you'd go to the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service). Now it's three agencies, under the Dept of Homaland Security. One is the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and the other is the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), and the US Customs and Border Protection (CBP). The one my mom is dealing with is the USCIS - that is supposed to be the agency for folks who are immigrating legally.

My mom has permanent residency, but to maintain it, you have to be here a certain amount of time each year. Because my grandmother is 104 and seems to be fading, my mom is not sure that she's going to be able to return within the right time. This (surprise!) requires more paperwork. Each time you do paperwork with immigration (this hasn't changed), it's fingerprint time.

Because this is the agency for the good people, they have a bit more focus on customer service than the INS ever did. When we showed up, the guard was very friendly and helpful, and he tried to assist my mom by speaking Spanish. It only took a few minutes to fill out the little check-in info form, and then they were ready for my mom.

Five minutes later, she came back, all done, no ink on her hands (it's all done digitally now), and apparently when she was done, she was directed to fill out a customer service questionnaire, and the employee pointed to the box that said she had received excellent service and told her to go ahead and check that box. HAHAHAHAHA! I love it. As it happens, they did provide excellent customer service.

Next, we went to Bed Bath & Beyond to get a new vacuum cleaner for my cleaning lady to use - I don't let her use the expensive Dyson one. I'm sorry, she wrecks those things and I have to get a new one every couple of years, I'm going with the $200 vacuum.

While we were there, we hopped into the Verizon store and I got a car charger for my phone (when, oh when will they make the attachments all the same so that I don't have to buy new accessories each time? Oh, wait, never), and then I was too tired (it was about 10am) and we had to come home.

I finished the day with a yoga class. But I have to tell you, today is Friday, and I'm just as tired.