The Gurly Life

The protector and related thoughts

[In this post, when I'm describing what I got out of my most recent therapy session, I go off on tangents, which are in italics. The tangents are related to the session, but are thoughts that came later, hence the italics. I hope it's not too confusing.]

On Thursday morning of last week I woke up with a major headache. This, I believe, is because I had my second therapy session on Wednesday night, and something came up that stressed me a lot.

As an aside, I am once again ridiculously glad that I have done so much Landmark work, getting to the crux of the matter is so much faster. I also found out that yet another friend is taking the Landmark Forum within the next couple of weeks, I'm so excited!

Back to the point. One of the things that the therapist had me do was watch some movies. He had me watch The Secret, Defending Your Life, Akeelah and the Bee, and Dangerous Beauty. I had watched the first three. During our session we talked about them, though I apparently didn't really get the point he was trying to make with them. I mean, I guess I did, but the whole movies thing doesn't really do it for me as a therapeutic technique. I'm all, you don't need to use metaphors with me, you can just get to the point, I'll get it. Besides, does anyone think I need to be entertained? Anywho.

So we moved on. We talked about the fact that the only thing that really shows up in my life is married men. I'm not interested in married men, but single guys are not interested in me at all, except ridiculously young guys, and then not in a relationship sense if you catch my drift. And by ridiculously young, I mean young enough for me to comfortably be their mother. Not quite jail bait, but pretty close. Although there was this one time during law school when I got hit on by a 15 year old. I probably could have been nicer about it than "Are you out of your cotton' pickin' mind?!?" but I was hoping to discourage him from pursuing mature ladies altogether. I doubt it worked, but you can't blame a mature lady for trying.

Why do I attract unavailable men, he asked me. I don't know, of course, but I can speculate as to why unavailable guys show up, and this has to do with me, by the way. As you know, whatever shows up in my life shows up because that's how I designed it, consciously or unconsciously. I'm not talking about control, here, I can't control people or circumstances, nor do I want to. I'm simply referring to being responsible for how my life looks. From that perspective, the answer to the question, I think, is because I don't have to deal with unavailable men in any real way, and that's what I want deep down and therefore that's what I attract. But more about this later.

He asked me why married men in particular are attracted to me. I think it's because there is no drama. I don't judge them, I don't try to fix them, I don't get offended or get my feelings hurt. Perhaps they don't think I'll get emotional and they can have sex with me without accountability (which they can't, by the way - being even-keeled does not mean I'm not emotional, it just means I'm even-keeled). But I speculate.

I should point out, for anyone is unclear about this, that the fact that I get propositioned by married men does not mean that I'm interested. The answer is always and unequivocally No. I'm uninterested in the morality of such a choice, I just don't see what's in it for me. Although I must say after watching Dangerous Beauty I did wonder if perhaps I should stop resisting this tendency and just embrace being the other woman. The movie takes place in 16th century Venice, and it's about a girl who can't marry the man she loves because she is not of the proper station, and becomes a courtesan instead. She does very well, becomes educated, and independent, which is more than could be said for the women who married. There is something appealing about it, but the times have changed. It is no longer true that women have only the wife, nun, or whore choices. Women can be educated and have their own careers, and are not considered property. And men are not stuck in arranged marriages that are seen as little more than a contract. There's all kinds of reasons why it wouldn't work, which I won't go into, but suffice it to say that it's not really a viable option. But I did seriously consider it for a couple of hours.

I told the therapist that I had recently realized that I do not want to be in a relationship. Actually, this is probably what's at the crux of my being a magnet for unavailable men. I mean, in theory I want to be in a relationship, but in reality, I don't. I was listening to a friend talk about a conversation she had with her boyfriend, and something she said reminded me of how painful it was to be in both of my marriages. It was at that moment that I realized that all the Landmark programs in the world weren't going to make a difference: there is no way I am willing to be in a relationship because all the ones I've been in have been excruciating.

Ah.

Which finally brings me to the point of this post, the protector - the Elena who makes sure that Elena DOES NOT get into a relationship. This is the Elena who is that "if you hurt me, I will kill you." The funny thing is, I am not at all on the defensive with friends, family, colleagues, bosses, clients, random people. Only in relationships. Protector Elena runs the show. In fact, I think protector Elena is the one that makes me stupid when I like a guy. She'll do whatever she needs to do to keep him away. Get goofy, be really really really smart (obnoxiously and intimidatingly so), get argumentative, get shy, get loud, get butchy, whatever it takes. And I suspect that she has a knack for picking the way of being that is guaranteed to scare off the particular guy. Sweet.

So my homework, which I've been resisting A LOT, is to write a letter as the protector. Surrender to her completely. This is an unpleasant and scary thought. The protector is mean and vicious. I didn't know her until the end of my first marriage: Mario's idea of having a discussion was to use personal insults. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear how much of a pain in the ass I am. And not in a cute, jokey way. After years of this, I finally snapped. And when I did, I was MEAN. And once that came out, there was no going back. Ever since then, the protector has been stifled and suppressed. I'm sure she's come out once or twice, but not like back then. But even all these years later, she sits watchful on my shoulder and stares men down: if you hurt us, we will kill you. She's violent, too, cos it's not just kill you but drive an ice pick through your eye. Eeesh.

For those of you who know me well, you know that my violent tendencies are not likely to overrun me any time soon. But that viciousness is there and feels like a jack-in-the-box: if I lift the lid, out she pops, in all her clownish glory. I think you can see why I'm not thrilled about the assignment. But I said I would do it, and it's pointless to spend money on a therapist (or a Landmark program, for that matter), if I don't actually do the homework.

The other aspect to this is that I've never really surrendered to the protector. I've been overcome by her, but have not surrendered. Very different. The prior homework was to write a letter as weakness. For about 2 weeks I couldn't write it because I realized that I didn't even have access to the language of weakness, it was crazy. I'm experiencing a similar phenomenon with this assignment - I've been working so hard to suppress this protector that I don't even know how to turn to her now.

Another day in paradise

Do you remember when you were a kid, those long summer vacations? Some of you maybe had summer jobs, but maybe you just went to the beach, summer camp, whatever. I spent a lot of time at the beach, and in the last couple of summers in high school, the south of France. The point is, we used to get 3 months off in the summer. Remember that? I remember it like it was yesterday. Sometimes I can't quite believe that I don't get three months off every summer.

As I like to believe that I have a fairly firm grip on reality (hah!), I still show up for work diligently all summer long, but then the weekends become mini-vacations. You know, tank top, flip-flops, 2 hours late to everything. Yesterday was no exception. I intended to get up and be at the gym by 8am, but didn't make it till 9:30. Home by 11, and at 12 I left to hang out poolside with Willow and Adam. They played in the pool, I mostly sunned myself. Yes, I have a little bit of a tan. In fact, I may have to consider the purchase of a new bikini -- as it is, I only have one.

The weather was perfect. About 80F degrees, approximately 30C degrees, low humidity, a lovely breeze, not a cloud in sight. I was supposed to be at a friend's place at 2pm to celebrate her birthday, but didn't leave the pool till almost 2:30, and arrived chez my friend about an hour and a half late. It took about 45 minutes to drive there, and the temperature there was 100F degrees (38C). We stayed inside and chatted and ate good food. It was a small group of people, about 12, and we all got a chance to visit with each other. I knew almost everyone there.

I was supposed to see the AC guy again, but he had to work, has no money, whatever, so I might see him again next weekend. Or not. While I'm sympathetic to the difficulty many people are having in this economy, every conversation I have with him begins with how tough things are, how he needs to go back to school to "get his paper" (which I assume to mean his degree), how he's got 2 jobs (maybe 3, I'm not clear), how all he needs is a viable client, that he's really good at his job and has installed millions of dollars worth of heating and AC equipment, and so on. Actually, that is the only conversation he appears able to have: I don't mean to suggest that he will never be able to talk about anything else, but clearly right now he's focused on this career crisis, and frankly, I'm not interested.

I think he's a great guy, but he seems to be in his head a lot and therefore not able to listen. I'm not going to waste your time with the alarming number of times in a few conversations where I either had to repeat something really basic or just was not able to communicate it. I can overlook the inattention because I can appreciate how consuming being scared about your future can be. It's tough to listen to other people when you're in survival mode.

However, he told me that the price he quoted me to replace my AC was way below what he would charge, and that he wanted to get a date -- the guy he works for would not let him do it for the amount he said. So...what? If I don't date him he won't do the job? That won't work for me at all. Plus it sounds like if he does do the job for that amount of money, it will be a hardship for him because he would have to turn down more lucrative work. That's a turn-on.

But really, let's be honest, I just don't want to deal with a guy who's 41 and can barely make ends meet, no matter what the circumstances or how he got here. It's one thing when it's your husband and he decides to go back to school to further his career, it's another when you don't even know the guy and he has to go back to school because he's got 2 jobs and can't make ends meet.

The additional problem for me is that he reminds me of Mario, my first husband, who never could catch a break, the economy was bad, someone did something, so-and-so's a jerk, etc. In short, Mario is a victim of circumstances and of other people. Sadly, this guy reminds me of Mario. It may just be a phase, but while their financial status may fluctuate, how people are in the world does not.

Unfair? Oh yes. Could I get past it? Probably. Do I want to stick around and find out how much like Mario AC guy is? Oh no. Have I been hanging around Donald Rumsfeld with the asking of the questions and answering them myself? You would think.

I think I'll make things simple: toss him back in the water, keep looking. The sorting continues.

And there you have it. I spent another lovely weekend day doing exactly what I wanted and nothing I didn't want to. Life is good.

My reasons are better than your reasons

No, this is not a follow up on My servants are better than your servants.

Sometimes, as I browse profiles on Match, somebody says something so ridiculous that I give in to the urge to email them and ask them about it. One guy has an entire paragraph about how he doesn't understand why women want tall guys. Here's what he writes, and he's clearly irritated about this whole thing:

I've read a number of profiles. Someone please tell me what it is about a man's height that can ruin everything for a woman. I'm 5'9", which used to be the average height of an American male. It's now 5'8", which means I'm taller than average... Nonetheless, I've read women's profiles who are looking for all of the things that strike a chord with me, great sense of humor, dog lover, creative, driven, good potential parent, but it all boils down to height - she wants a man who is 6'4", but she's only 5'2". I don't understand.

So, here was my question to him:

I read in your profile that you wonder why women are looking for tall men, and it makes no sense to you. However, you have an age range that is lower than your age, and you have certain body type requirements. Please understand, I don't think there is anything wrong with either of those things, but how is it different than women wanting a tall guy? Most men want a slender or athletic/toned woman. Most women are neither slender nor athletic/toned.

His response:

It's not an unfair question.

There are two parts to a truthful answer. First, I'm not looking for anything that I'm not, where appearances are concerned. Should an overweight person expect to attract someone else who is 'athletic and toned'? I don't think so. I wouldn't.

Where age is concerned, the matter is regrettably different for men and women. I want to have a couple of children, yet I don't expect to marry a woman less than two years after first meeting/dating her. That means if I met a woman aged 39 today, got married two years later, and we decided to enjoy being married for a couple of years before having our first child, she would be 43 before we began trying to have a kid.

There are practical matters concerning both a woman's and child's health later in life that become exponentially risky as a woman enters her 40's. No one likes to hear it, but it's the truth. A friend of mine and his wife rolled the dice on having a second child. His wife was 43 at the time of birth. Sadly, their child was born with severe mental disabilities. Having a child is somewhat of a selfish choice to make to begin with; to make that choice with the additional risk to its health is not something I'm interested in.

Lastly, I think you have to consider the extreme differences I mean to point out where height is concerned. A 5'2" woman who says she wants a real man so long as he is 6'2", has no idea what a real man is.

Eh-hem. I think at this point, my women readers will have their hackles up. I say, don't waste your energy because I've already done it. I love how some people are just awful and then give you a rationalization like they're totally justified to simply dismiss people, but then get all upset when they themselves are treated that way. At the risk of wasting time and energy, I sent a last response. If he writes back, I will not answer further, I think I've taken up enough time for the day.

I understand everything you say, and I don't disagree, except for the fact that children can be adopted just as they can be given birth to. This of course may not be something you'd be open to, in which case the age thing is a possible issue. But what your answer makes me think is that your criteria are just as personal, and therefore valid, as the criteria for women who want to be with tall men.
 
You could also say that a man who says he wants a real woman, so long as she's younger than 37, has no idea what a real woman is, or a real mother for that matter.
 
My point is not that your justifications are not valid, because they are. They are perfectly reasonable and valid. You choose who you want based on what you believe, think, and prioritize, and very importantly, what you find attractive. If a woman is not attracted to fat guys, you would not have an issue with that (unless you were fat) I would imagine, it would make sense to you. Height is no different. Hair is no different. My point is that it is as absurd to be miffed that a woman won't date you b/c of your height as it is absurd for a woman to be miffed that you won't date her because of her age or her size. You want what you want, and she wants what she wants. And if a woman is going to miss out on you because you're not tall enough, too bad, she's not the right girl for you anyway, right?
 
Anyway, best of luck to you also, don't settle for anything less than what you want, but consider being a little forgiving to those who don't see you as the man that you are because, after all, there are many who you do not see as the women that they are.

The point, gentle readers, in case you missed it, is not that he is wrong in wanting what he wants. We may not agree with him and think he's a dumbass, but that's neither our problem nor the point. It makes no sense to be angry that others judge you (and by you I mean the rhetorical you) based on their personal criteria, when you yourself judge people based on your own, often not very noble, personal criteria. Put another way: get off your high horse, you're just as shallow as everyone else -- own it.

This is also a reminder for me when I get upset if some guy doesn't like me because I'm short, tall, old(er), fat, thin, a brunette, too smart, not smart enough, etc. etc. etc. It just highlights how absurd it all is. We each have criteria that are rational and reasonable to us, sometimes they're deal breakers, and they are all more or less ridiculous and totally valid. Take, for example, my clean mouth obsession. It's absurd, and yet there is no way on god's green earth that I can get past it. Some people will totally agree with me, and some will be like, what? The good personality, communication skills, being responsible, etc, all the good stuff, is useless if the guy has ass breath, so who are we kidding?

Therefore: I declare July 2008 "shallow, less-than-noble, pick the mate you want" month!

Caution is the name of the game

I'm not sure if I mentioned this here, but I got asked out by one of the guys who came to my place to give me an estimate for the AC. Fortunately, it was the one I liked the most because he was the most professional. Some of those guys were not the most impressive, so it would have sucked if it was one of the idiots who asked me out.

Today he came by to pick me up and we had lunch at Fred 62, just down the street. Fred 62 is a very cool diner and it's a good place for a casual first date because it's not too expensive.

He is an attractive man, 41, divorced and has not been dating for about 3 years -- he's been getting over his divorce. Trust me when I tell you that his marriage was quite the ordeal. In fact, I commended him for being willing to even consider being in a relationship again.

He was a perfect gentleman: he brought me fragrant Starbursts, paid for lunch, did not attempt to kiss me or come upstairs, and said that he really would rather take things slowly -- friends first. Which is fine with me. When he said friends, by the way, he did not mean "I like you, but only as a friend." I know this because he looks at me like he could eat me. He thinks I'm beautiful and awesome. Which happens to be true, so he's not an idiot.

He asked me out again, and said he'd call early this week to make plans for the weekend. So far, I like him.