The Gurly Life

Does not compute

Thank goodness!

Recently, I tweeted the following: "What ON EARTH do you mean, I'm not your type? What the hell's the matter with you?"

Something prompted it, and this is what this post is about. Actually, it's not really about what prompted it but about my reaction, the above, because it's new for me. You may or may not be aware that I do online dating. Well, more like I'm online but almost never go on dates. But that's another story for another post.

As you also know, I have been doing all sorts of cool transformational stuff in this area. One of the things that has become very clear out of all this is that counting someone in or out at the outset because they are or are not my type is a very silly way to go about things. I end up ignoring great people, and follow my hormones into relationships that are just a waste of time. It's a lot like life that way: sometimes I'm thrown in with people I wouldn't give a second glance to, and then over time find they are awesome and I can't imagine what I was thinking not liking them at first. Like that. I think it's even more true online, it seems most of us don't have any clue how to get ourselves across in our profiles that is consistent with who we really are. I say "we" becasue I'm fairly sure I'm still working on my profile.

I am not by any means advocating that what we're attracted to (and not) should be completely discounted - I mean, there are limits. All I'm saying is that I'm finally realizing that "my type" should not be the leading edge of my search for a partner.

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when someone I contacted online told me I'm not his type. I contacted him because I liked what he said in his profile, including that he was looking for a partner. So when he said that thing about not being his type, I was all, WHAT? But don't you know that it doesn't matter that much whether you think I'm your type? What the hell is wrong with you? I think it should be a rule that whenever I have an epiphany, everyone else has the same epiphany. If everyone else was on the same page as me it would just be better. Point is, though, that my normal reaction would have been to feel shitty about myself -- not helpful -- and that did not happen.

I thanked him for telling me and that was that. But now, in retrospect, I wish I had asked him what he meant because the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't really know what "you're not my type" really means, and I was curious. When he said, "You're not my type," I wish I had responded, "How so?"

Next time.

At long last, another breakthrough

I know you've all been wondering: where have those posts gone, the ones where I have some epiphany about myself, and then write about it like I have no sense of decency?

After years of Landmark Education and PAX Programs and various other personal growth stuff, I think I sorted through most of the shittiest stuff. I don't mean to suggest I couldn't use some improvements, the remodeling never really ends, but the focus has shifted from lifting barriers to building skills that I either don't have, or want to improve.

Naturally, as I build skills, I come across a few barriers. After all, if I didn't have the barriers, I'd already have the skills, right?

So here's a really juicy one. I don't like to admit this one because it makes me look very bad, and I don't like to look very bad - just bad enough to be interesting. This has been brewing for a few weeks, and it's probably rambly.

As you know, I have specifically been doing a lot of work in the relationships realm. My goal is to (one day while I'm still young enough to chew my own food) be in a relationship that is empowering and fulfilling. Much of the work I've done in the last few years has been to that goal. In the recent past, my focus has shifted away from my own individual stuff to partnership. I've been looking at what partnership skills do I need, would I like to have, and so on, especially since partnership skills translate really well in every area of life. I figured even if I have no romantic partnership, I still have friends, family, work, neighbors, and so on. Can't hurt, right?

Of course, though, the focus is relationships.

Imagine if you will the setting: it is early evening in Los Feliz, I am going for a brisk walk in the neighborhood, enjoying nature and listening to music on my iPod. I'm feelin' pretty special, with all my partnership skills, and I'm all, check me out I'm totally fabulous, that's me, yup, yup (nevermind that I'm still single, don't use facts to confuse the issues, please, you know how I hate that).

I'm bouncing along thinking about how great I am (this is always a red flag) and how superior I am to all those other women, poor dears, who are actually in relationships that work, and it suddenly hits me, like a turd between the eyes: that I'm often calibrating who I am in order to catch the right guy (not just any guy, mind you, the right one, whatever the heck that means). I suddenly noticed how I watch myself when I interact with men to see if I'm doing it right. And really, what it comes down to is that I haven't been doing all this personal growth stuff to be a better person, but to manipulate the right guy, when I find him, into being with me, because I'm so awesome. Urgh.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing inherently sleazy about proactively looking for a partner -- it's just that there was something, I don't know, weaselly about how I've been doing it. It's hard to explain, though as you read this you might be thinking, yeah I see it too, but the place I was standing to set my intention was a crappy place. It was like putting ice cream on poo and trying to sell it like a delicious banana split. No, that's not poo, it's chocolate. NOT delicious.

So I walked along a bit more, and thought to myself, what if I do all that I'm doing for no reason at all, just because that's who I am and being a good person is important to me? What a fucking idea!

But that's not all. What also became evident is why I have in the past (thankfully not anymore) been a magnet for married guys. It's a mechanism that I had sort of identified, it had to do with how I engage with men (obviously!), but I hadn't seen the mechanism's agenda. And while I was on my walk, I saw it, and recoiled at the ugliness of it all. Thankfully, it was night, no one could see the grimace on my face, or the gagging. What causes that shift in who I'm being that attracts married men is a voice in my head that says that I want that man to risk something for me, because that means I'm worth something.

What. The fuck. Is that?????

Until I saw that, the best I could is notice when a married guy would start being interested, and bring down the shutters. Not a very empowering defense mechanism, by the way, I don't recommend it. Now I can see it before it even begins. I can hear the voice in my head like I'm some schizo patient off her meds, and I can feel my body shift and my face take on a different expression, it's really weird and creepy. Sooo gross.

All this I saw several weeks before I even left for vacation. I think it was some time in March or April. The first thing that happened was that the emotional charge in the realm of relationships fell away. All of a sudden, I wasn't emotionally invested in getting a relationship. For several weeks, I just didn't care at all about this part of my life. At. All. I forgot to get online to check my profile for weeks at a time, and when I did remember and found no messages from anyone, I'd think, meh, I have to work on my profile anyway, whatever.

Since then I have been noticing immediately when "the married man bomb" activates and have been easily able to disarm it. Over time it is activating less and less and has almost disappeared.

So ... yikes, right?

Now that I've settled, and the married guy issue is disappearing, I'm back doing my work on partnership, and still looking for an awesome guy, sans frustration and disappointment. Thus far, no flopping between white-knuckling it and giving up in resignation.

Now I can get back to the business of playing with my camera, preparing my Guide to Egypt: A Pictorial Representation, and standing on my head for 5 minutes at a time.

Life is good.

To lighten the mood

Since it appears from some of the reactions to my most recent blog posts about my quest for the relationship of my dreams that people might be worried that I feel unhappy without a relationship, let me assure, I am not. Far from it. I think the problem might be that I enjoy doing whatever I fucking want whenever I fucking want to a little too much. Eh hem. So, fear not.

So, this is how you'll know when I find what I'm looking for, because this is what it will look like. I'm the one on the right.

Thanks to Ivy the Monkey Goddess for the find.

Three weddings and a funeral

Yeah. MY funeral.

Ok, I exaggerate, I admit it. But since there is no pictorial representation (stop pressuring me!!!), I have to get creative. More pictorial representations will come soon, but for now there are words, words, WORDS!

As I recently mentioned, I have had a lot going on. A lot. So here's a recap of what went on this weekend.

1. Dating and such, i.e., 3 weddings

A few months ago I made the decision not to blog about specific dates and men much because having the blog as a background made it more interesting for me to be on bad dates than on good ones. Be careful what you ask for and all that.

I am still doing lots of personal growth work in this area, it just never seems to end. That I can talk about in more detail.

To the point: this weekend I went on 3 dates with 3 different men. One of these guys was Bob, who I've mentioned before. And yes, he's aware of my other dates and being a very cool and generous guy he thinks it's great that I date, thankyouverymuch.

All three men are terrific, and it is the first time in a long time (ever?) that I'm not operating from scarcity. The point being that I recently managed to dislodge yet another crummy belief about me and relationships that had been stuck like a barnacle on the ass of my fabulousness. I know, vivid, right?

The barnacle was that single men my age are not interested in me (and the flip side of that, which is that only unavailable men are interested). What strikes me about this little nugget of joy is that it is VERY specific. Mmh. I have been forced to give up the more generic "men are not interested in me" because it so obviously isn't true as to be bordering on insanity. So I went more specific, this way I got to keep it. Sweet.

I was doing an exercise from Calling In The One (see the What I'm Reading list in the right panel), and I had to look at what I get out of keeping certain beliefs, and being single. This is not the first time I have looked at this question, but I haven't looked at it in a significant amount of time. I've uncovered all kinds of crap since, so it's not too surprising that the inquiry was almost a new one for me. What I saw was that I get to be safe. Because as much as it frustrates me to be constantly circled by unavailable men, and sometimes pains me, there is really no chance that I will really, truly put myself at risk with any of them. Even if I want to (or say that I want to, because really, I don't), they make sure I get shut down. So then I'm all mopey and hurt, but safe.

Even if I find a great guy, I soon find something about him that I cannot possibly put up with so I can continue to complain about how there are no great guys, and the great guys don't like me, blah blah blah. And on it goes.

It's very likely that I've seen this before, and shared it before, but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks. I proceeded to call myself a lot of names, including a fucking liar. Don't worry, it wasn't one of those woe is me kind of things. It was like looking for my keys for hours and they were on the table the whole time, in plain sight, and I wasted all this time being blind. Like that.

I also noticed I do something sneaky to men who are available: just as we get close and all is going well, I drop-kick them. It's not a very obvious thing, because I'm somewhat subtle about it, but that's what I do. That way, I get to push them away first and I get to be right about how I'm not important or unwanted or unlovable, or whatever the self-flagellation of the moment is.

But it's not over. I then got to see how when I'm found out, I have an overwhelming sense that I need to walk from this relationship. I make up excuses like, who is this person to point out that I do such and such? How dare they? Pshaw! What is underneath this is that I'm very invested in looking good and doing it right, and I'm unwilling to be human and imperfect, i.e., look bad. In other words, I'm unwilling to be vulnerable. So rather than simply address the issue, I walk.

Wow, right? I mean, what a fucking racket. I mean, this is like trying to surf the entire internet - it can't be done, you don't get to the end of the internet. You just keep finding interesting stuff and thank goodness for the internet.

And all of a sudden, I get more interest from single and available men in one week than I've had for the past 7 years (I exaggerate, but really, not that much - ask Deirdre, she'll confirm).

We shall see what comes of this.

As an aside, I seem to have an unusual number of people in my life who have no qualms telling me when I'm full of shit and/or when I'm being a jerk. You know who you are. And I want to take this opportunity to tell you that YOU ROCK!! I have very few friends who enable me, thank goodness, they mostly call me on my shit all the time and force me to grow, as uncomfortable as that may be for me.

2. An event, i.e., the funeral

Not really a funeral, not even close. On Saturday I helped out at the Brown Club of Southern California's annual GaLA Bruno, which is our annual membership drive. We had an awesome event, at the home of Matt Miller '83 and his wife Jody Miller. Matt is the host of Left Right And Center on KCRW, one of our local public radios.

We even had a string quartet!

This was the view from their house. I know, right??

Matt said something very interesting: that we can't move forward in politics because special interests on both sides pressure the politicians not to talk about certain things. Thus, the dialog is not honest and open. No open dialogue, no progress. I'm curious to know what these things are that are not being discussed.

A great event, but the temperatures finally dropped (well it IS November, for heaven's sake) so I was freezing for about 5 hours. My feet were so cold I was in pain. I know that in the grand scheme of things it was not very cold. Don't judge me. Needless to say, I was dead at the end of the day - get it? dead? funeral? ha ha. On Sunday I worked out and met a friend for coffee, then basically went back to bed. Och. I slept a lot. And now I'm fine.

The end [curtsies].

Tristen or Kristodd

Sunday was Todd and Kristen’s wedding, so of course everyone but me and Adam was terribly busy. People who were not me or Adam were getting hair and make-up done, putting on pretty frocks, setting up for the ceremony and the reception, and so on. I mostly lay about uselessly. I did swim in the pool for a while and sunbathed, but because of the antibiotics I could not stay in the sun too long.

Todd asked if I would video the ceremony. I did, and I got some other bits and pieces of video for him, but thankfully another friend, Stella, took Todd and Kristen’s new HD Flip and also videoed everything, including interviews with as many friends and family members as she could get hold of during the reception. Thank. God. Some of us are not just adept at video. It’s a medium that I don’t have an affinity for, a fact that I think is fairly obvious from my video blogs, which NO ONE watches (oh I know you don’t watch them, don’t pretend you do). The point is, I did not get many (any?) pictures of the ceremony itself. But I am going to do a Pictorial Representation of sorts. Stay tuned for that one.

The ceremony was on the beach and the guests were all on the beach, too. Todd’s dad performed the ceremony, and he began with a few lines from The Princess Bride: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam. Best movie ever!

Kirsten looked gorgeous in her dress, and so did her bridesmaids. Todd had a best woman, a groomsmaid and a groomsman. Everyone was barefoot. The ceremony itself was short and sweet and finally Todd and Kristen became Tristen. (what? It’s better than Krodd, ok?) and then everyone moved about 20 feet over to the reception, under a tent. It was hot, sunny and slightly breezy, so just perfect.

Mr. and Mrs. Todd and Kristen, with Todd's woman of honor, Pitter.

No rubber chicken anywhere in sight. In fact, there was raw fish and seeweed salad and raw oysters. Adam ate his own weight in oysters, and I did the same with the raw fish and seaweed salad. Meanwhile, Willow was busy being photographed with the happy couple and the rest of the wedding party. There were even roasted veggies. It was heaven. It was the first time I’d seen a vegetable since leaving California. Bless you, Tristen.

The honeymoon will be in India in December: two adventurers found each other. And now that they’re married and the wedding is all done, groomzilla (Willow’s term) can retire.

We all hung out long after the caterer was gone, the wedding singer left, and the bar closed. Todd and Kristen got their photograph taken by THREE photographers (I need to get the story behind this) on the beach, as the sun went down. No doubt they will have some good shots. Meanwhile, I took this picture of these two old geezers:

These guys were on the beach all weekend, had nothing to do with the wedding or any of us, but towards the end they went up to the tent and helped themselves to some of the yummy food. Here you can see one guy munching on a roasted mushroom. I guess they figured they had to put up with all that jibber jabber and the music, they least we could do was give them a plate of food.

At about 1 o’clock in the morning, after a few rounds at a local redneck bar, Todd and Kristen changed their Facebook status to Married.

Go here for all the photos from the Tristen wedding. Or the Kristodd wedding.

Time for another workshop

A couple of years ago I took two tremendously helpful workshops by PAX Programs. At the time, I took their Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop, and their Celebrating Men & Sex workshop. Both were extremely useful and revealing. Lots of "Oh! I get it now!" moments. Lots. I don't pretend for a moment to fully understand men, but I am not as lost as I once was.

PAX offers a couple more programs. One is what they affectionately call the Queen Course. The final course, and the one I'm told is absolutely the most useful of all is Celebrating Men & Marriage. I will be taking that one, too. It is time for more clarity. Landmark Education got me a good deal of the way to where I need to be in terms of relationships and men, but not all the way. And as you know, doing more of the same thing expecting a different result is for the birds.

So now that I am clear that I need more clarity (sometimes you don't see the fog for the trees, to butcher a hackneyed metaphor), I am interested in these two courses. So instead of taking a Hawaii vacation, I will do these workshops and take little trips to visit friends that I do not see nearly often enough. That means you, Deirdre and Travelvixen. I'm not really in the mood for a vacation, anyway.

I will be taking the Queen course the weekend of May 14, by the way, which sadly means I will miss the artichoke festival in Castroville (thistle be fun!).

Useful relationship stuff

Since today is Valentine's Day, as artificial as that is, I thought I would post some relationship tips I think might actually be helpful. Not that I'd know, of course, in light of two less-than-stellar attempts at marriage and my chronic singleness for the last six years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about being single - after all, I get to do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to, within bounds of the law, my job and decency (more or less) - my point is simply that of all people to give relationship advice, I'm the one you probably should not listen to. Nevertheless, in keeping with my tendency to express opinions on matters I know nothing about, I've cut and pasted some advice from folks who claim to know from relationships, and with whom I mostly agree.

The folks I'm talking about are Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, of Conscious Loving Relationships.

People can endure long-term relationships in many ways, but they will only thrive if they do five things [emphasis added]:

1. If you want a close, vibrant love relationships, you need to become a master of commitment.

2. If you want a relationship that’s both close & creatively vital, you have to become emotionally transparent.

3. You must break the cycle of blame & criticism, an addiction that saps creative energy as surely as drugs.

4. If you want a vibrant long-term relationship—you have to do something radical about your creativity. You have to take your attention away from fixing the other person & put it on expressing your own creativity.

5.If you want to create vital, long-lasting love, you must become a master of verbal & nonverbal appreciation.

They also had this little tidbit, which is not part of the 5 tips, but I thought was perhaps even more valuable: Tell the truth…always and in all ways.

Happy Valentine's Day, my loves.

The protector and related thoughts

[In this post, when I'm describing what I got out of my most recent therapy session, I go off on tangents, which are in italics. The tangents are related to the session, but are thoughts that came later, hence the italics. I hope it's not too confusing.]

On Thursday morning of last week I woke up with a major headache. This, I believe, is because I had my second therapy session on Wednesday night, and something came up that stressed me a lot.

As an aside, I am once again ridiculously glad that I have done so much Landmark work, getting to the crux of the matter is so much faster. I also found out that yet another friend is taking the Landmark Forum within the next couple of weeks, I'm so excited!

Back to the point. One of the things that the therapist had me do was watch some movies. He had me watch The Secret, Defending Your Life, Akeelah and the Bee, and Dangerous Beauty. I had watched the first three. During our session we talked about them, though I apparently didn't really get the point he was trying to make with them. I mean, I guess I did, but the whole movies thing doesn't really do it for me as a therapeutic technique. I'm all, you don't need to use metaphors with me, you can just get to the point, I'll get it. Besides, does anyone think I need to be entertained? Anywho.

So we moved on. We talked about the fact that the only thing that really shows up in my life is married men. I'm not interested in married men, but single guys are not interested in me at all, except ridiculously young guys, and then not in a relationship sense if you catch my drift. And by ridiculously young, I mean young enough for me to comfortably be their mother. Not quite jail bait, but pretty close. Although there was this one time during law school when I got hit on by a 15 year old. I probably could have been nicer about it than "Are you out of your cotton' pickin' mind?!?" but I was hoping to discourage him from pursuing mature ladies altogether. I doubt it worked, but you can't blame a mature lady for trying.

Why do I attract unavailable men, he asked me. I don't know, of course, but I can speculate as to why unavailable guys show up, and this has to do with me, by the way. As you know, whatever shows up in my life shows up because that's how I designed it, consciously or unconsciously. I'm not talking about control, here, I can't control people or circumstances, nor do I want to. I'm simply referring to being responsible for how my life looks. From that perspective, the answer to the question, I think, is because I don't have to deal with unavailable men in any real way, and that's what I want deep down and therefore that's what I attract. But more about this later.

He asked me why married men in particular are attracted to me. I think it's because there is no drama. I don't judge them, I don't try to fix them, I don't get offended or get my feelings hurt. Perhaps they don't think I'll get emotional and they can have sex with me without accountability (which they can't, by the way - being even-keeled does not mean I'm not emotional, it just means I'm even-keeled). But I speculate.

I should point out, for anyone is unclear about this, that the fact that I get propositioned by married men does not mean that I'm interested. The answer is always and unequivocally No. I'm uninterested in the morality of such a choice, I just don't see what's in it for me. Although I must say after watching Dangerous Beauty I did wonder if perhaps I should stop resisting this tendency and just embrace being the other woman. The movie takes place in 16th century Venice, and it's about a girl who can't marry the man she loves because she is not of the proper station, and becomes a courtesan instead. She does very well, becomes educated, and independent, which is more than could be said for the women who married. There is something appealing about it, but the times have changed. It is no longer true that women have only the wife, nun, or whore choices. Women can be educated and have their own careers, and are not considered property. And men are not stuck in arranged marriages that are seen as little more than a contract. There's all kinds of reasons why it wouldn't work, which I won't go into, but suffice it to say that it's not really a viable option. But I did seriously consider it for a couple of hours.

I told the therapist that I had recently realized that I do not want to be in a relationship. Actually, this is probably what's at the crux of my being a magnet for unavailable men. I mean, in theory I want to be in a relationship, but in reality, I don't. I was listening to a friend talk about a conversation she had with her boyfriend, and something she said reminded me of how painful it was to be in both of my marriages. It was at that moment that I realized that all the Landmark programs in the world weren't going to make a difference: there is no way I am willing to be in a relationship because all the ones I've been in have been excruciating.

Ah.

Which finally brings me to the point of this post, the protector - the Elena who makes sure that Elena DOES NOT get into a relationship. This is the Elena who is that "if you hurt me, I will kill you." The funny thing is, I am not at all on the defensive with friends, family, colleagues, bosses, clients, random people. Only in relationships. Protector Elena runs the show. In fact, I think protector Elena is the one that makes me stupid when I like a guy. She'll do whatever she needs to do to keep him away. Get goofy, be really really really smart (obnoxiously and intimidatingly so), get argumentative, get shy, get loud, get butchy, whatever it takes. And I suspect that she has a knack for picking the way of being that is guaranteed to scare off the particular guy. Sweet.

So my homework, which I've been resisting A LOT, is to write a letter as the protector. Surrender to her completely. This is an unpleasant and scary thought. The protector is mean and vicious. I didn't know her until the end of my first marriage: Mario's idea of having a discussion was to use personal insults. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear how much of a pain in the ass I am. And not in a cute, jokey way. After years of this, I finally snapped. And when I did, I was MEAN. And once that came out, there was no going back. Ever since then, the protector has been stifled and suppressed. I'm sure she's come out once or twice, but not like back then. But even all these years later, she sits watchful on my shoulder and stares men down: if you hurt us, we will kill you. She's violent, too, cos it's not just kill you but drive an ice pick through your eye. Eeesh.

For those of you who know me well, you know that my violent tendencies are not likely to overrun me any time soon. But that viciousness is there and feels like a jack-in-the-box: if I lift the lid, out she pops, in all her clownish glory. I think you can see why I'm not thrilled about the assignment. But I said I would do it, and it's pointless to spend money on a therapist (or a Landmark program, for that matter), if I don't actually do the homework.

The other aspect to this is that I've never really surrendered to the protector. I've been overcome by her, but have not surrendered. Very different. The prior homework was to write a letter as weakness. For about 2 weeks I couldn't write it because I realized that I didn't even have access to the language of weakness, it was crazy. I'm experiencing a similar phenomenon with this assignment - I've been working so hard to suppress this protector that I don't even know how to turn to her now.

Another day in paradise

Do you remember when you were a kid, those long summer vacations? Some of you maybe had summer jobs, but maybe you just went to the beach, summer camp, whatever. I spent a lot of time at the beach, and in the last couple of summers in high school, the south of France. The point is, we used to get 3 months off in the summer. Remember that? I remember it like it was yesterday. Sometimes I can't quite believe that I don't get three months off every summer.

As I like to believe that I have a fairly firm grip on reality (hah!), I still show up for work diligently all summer long, but then the weekends become mini-vacations. You know, tank top, flip-flops, 2 hours late to everything. Yesterday was no exception. I intended to get up and be at the gym by 8am, but didn't make it till 9:30. Home by 11, and at 12 I left to hang out poolside with Willow and Adam. They played in the pool, I mostly sunned myself. Yes, I have a little bit of a tan. In fact, I may have to consider the purchase of a new bikini -- as it is, I only have one.

The weather was perfect. About 80F degrees, approximately 30C degrees, low humidity, a lovely breeze, not a cloud in sight. I was supposed to be at a friend's place at 2pm to celebrate her birthday, but didn't leave the pool till almost 2:30, and arrived chez my friend about an hour and a half late. It took about 45 minutes to drive there, and the temperature there was 100F degrees (38C). We stayed inside and chatted and ate good food. It was a small group of people, about 12, and we all got a chance to visit with each other. I knew almost everyone there.

I was supposed to see the AC guy again, but he had to work, has no money, whatever, so I might see him again next weekend. Or not. While I'm sympathetic to the difficulty many people are having in this economy, every conversation I have with him begins with how tough things are, how he needs to go back to school to "get his paper" (which I assume to mean his degree), how he's got 2 jobs (maybe 3, I'm not clear), how all he needs is a viable client, that he's really good at his job and has installed millions of dollars worth of heating and AC equipment, and so on. Actually, that is the only conversation he appears able to have: I don't mean to suggest that he will never be able to talk about anything else, but clearly right now he's focused on this career crisis, and frankly, I'm not interested.

I think he's a great guy, but he seems to be in his head a lot and therefore not able to listen. I'm not going to waste your time with the alarming number of times in a few conversations where I either had to repeat something really basic or just was not able to communicate it. I can overlook the inattention because I can appreciate how consuming being scared about your future can be. It's tough to listen to other people when you're in survival mode.

However, he told me that the price he quoted me to replace my AC was way below what he would charge, and that he wanted to get a date -- the guy he works for would not let him do it for the amount he said. So...what? If I don't date him he won't do the job? That won't work for me at all. Plus it sounds like if he does do the job for that amount of money, it will be a hardship for him because he would have to turn down more lucrative work. That's a turn-on.

But really, let's be honest, I just don't want to deal with a guy who's 41 and can barely make ends meet, no matter what the circumstances or how he got here. It's one thing when it's your husband and he decides to go back to school to further his career, it's another when you don't even know the guy and he has to go back to school because he's got 2 jobs and can't make ends meet.

The additional problem for me is that he reminds me of Mario, my first husband, who never could catch a break, the economy was bad, someone did something, so-and-so's a jerk, etc. In short, Mario is a victim of circumstances and of other people. Sadly, this guy reminds me of Mario. It may just be a phase, but while their financial status may fluctuate, how people are in the world does not.

Unfair? Oh yes. Could I get past it? Probably. Do I want to stick around and find out how much like Mario AC guy is? Oh no. Have I been hanging around Donald Rumsfeld with the asking of the questions and answering them myself? You would think.

I think I'll make things simple: toss him back in the water, keep looking. The sorting continues.

And there you have it. I spent another lovely weekend day doing exactly what I wanted and nothing I didn't want to. Life is good.

My reasons are better than your reasons

No, this is not a follow up on My servants are better than your servants.

Sometimes, as I browse profiles on Match, somebody says something so ridiculous that I give in to the urge to email them and ask them about it. One guy has an entire paragraph about how he doesn't understand why women want tall guys. Here's what he writes, and he's clearly irritated about this whole thing:

I've read a number of profiles. Someone please tell me what it is about a man's height that can ruin everything for a woman. I'm 5'9", which used to be the average height of an American male. It's now 5'8", which means I'm taller than average... Nonetheless, I've read women's profiles who are looking for all of the things that strike a chord with me, great sense of humor, dog lover, creative, driven, good potential parent, but it all boils down to height - she wants a man who is 6'4", but she's only 5'2". I don't understand.

So, here was my question to him:

I read in your profile that you wonder why women are looking for tall men, and it makes no sense to you. However, you have an age range that is lower than your age, and you have certain body type requirements. Please understand, I don't think there is anything wrong with either of those things, but how is it different than women wanting a tall guy? Most men want a slender or athletic/toned woman. Most women are neither slender nor athletic/toned.

His response:

It's not an unfair question.

There are two parts to a truthful answer. First, I'm not looking for anything that I'm not, where appearances are concerned. Should an overweight person expect to attract someone else who is 'athletic and toned'? I don't think so. I wouldn't.

Where age is concerned, the matter is regrettably different for men and women. I want to have a couple of children, yet I don't expect to marry a woman less than two years after first meeting/dating her. That means if I met a woman aged 39 today, got married two years later, and we decided to enjoy being married for a couple of years before having our first child, she would be 43 before we began trying to have a kid.

There are practical matters concerning both a woman's and child's health later in life that become exponentially risky as a woman enters her 40's. No one likes to hear it, but it's the truth. A friend of mine and his wife rolled the dice on having a second child. His wife was 43 at the time of birth. Sadly, their child was born with severe mental disabilities. Having a child is somewhat of a selfish choice to make to begin with; to make that choice with the additional risk to its health is not something I'm interested in.

Lastly, I think you have to consider the extreme differences I mean to point out where height is concerned. A 5'2" woman who says she wants a real man so long as he is 6'2", has no idea what a real man is.

Eh-hem. I think at this point, my women readers will have their hackles up. I say, don't waste your energy because I've already done it. I love how some people are just awful and then give you a rationalization like they're totally justified to simply dismiss people, but then get all upset when they themselves are treated that way. At the risk of wasting time and energy, I sent a last response. If he writes back, I will not answer further, I think I've taken up enough time for the day.

I understand everything you say, and I don't disagree, except for the fact that children can be adopted just as they can be given birth to. This of course may not be something you'd be open to, in which case the age thing is a possible issue. But what your answer makes me think is that your criteria are just as personal, and therefore valid, as the criteria for women who want to be with tall men.
 
You could also say that a man who says he wants a real woman, so long as she's younger than 37, has no idea what a real woman is, or a real mother for that matter.
 
My point is not that your justifications are not valid, because they are. They are perfectly reasonable and valid. You choose who you want based on what you believe, think, and prioritize, and very importantly, what you find attractive. If a woman is not attracted to fat guys, you would not have an issue with that (unless you were fat) I would imagine, it would make sense to you. Height is no different. Hair is no different. My point is that it is as absurd to be miffed that a woman won't date you b/c of your height as it is absurd for a woman to be miffed that you won't date her because of her age or her size. You want what you want, and she wants what she wants. And if a woman is going to miss out on you because you're not tall enough, too bad, she's not the right girl for you anyway, right?
 
Anyway, best of luck to you also, don't settle for anything less than what you want, but consider being a little forgiving to those who don't see you as the man that you are because, after all, there are many who you do not see as the women that they are.

The point, gentle readers, in case you missed it, is not that he is wrong in wanting what he wants. We may not agree with him and think he's a dumbass, but that's neither our problem nor the point. It makes no sense to be angry that others judge you (and by you I mean the rhetorical you) based on their personal criteria, when you yourself judge people based on your own, often not very noble, personal criteria. Put another way: get off your high horse, you're just as shallow as everyone else -- own it.

This is also a reminder for me when I get upset if some guy doesn't like me because I'm short, tall, old(er), fat, thin, a brunette, too smart, not smart enough, etc. etc. etc. It just highlights how absurd it all is. We each have criteria that are rational and reasonable to us, sometimes they're deal breakers, and they are all more or less ridiculous and totally valid. Take, for example, my clean mouth obsession. It's absurd, and yet there is no way on god's green earth that I can get past it. Some people will totally agree with me, and some will be like, what? The good personality, communication skills, being responsible, etc, all the good stuff, is useless if the guy has ass breath, so who are we kidding?

Therefore: I declare July 2008 "shallow, less-than-noble, pick the mate you want" month!