The Gurly Life

I think the word you're looking for is "anywayyyy..."

I went to (civil!) court this morning and noticed, as I sat there waiting, that a ratty twine ran from one of the front row seats to the bailiff's desk, effectively closing off the seats to the right and back of the bailiff. Security issues, I imagine. So, in my classic bantering way, I joked to the bailiff that I liked the high-tech roping off of the seats. She didn't even look up as she answered, "It's a weapon, too, I can use it to strangle y'all." Apparently, strangling and tazering is about the same amount of paperwork. The bailiff explained that while shooting someone was in fact less paperwork, they would just be dead. With a Tazer or with strangling, there's suffering, and she likes to make people suffer.

It is disturbing when people who carry guns are mental, in my humble opinion.

They're in your head!

Was Dean's take on it.

The last couple of nights I have had marketed dreams, for lack of a better term. On Sunday night, I dreamed that I had gotten a new Blackberry and I was all excited. Last night, I had a new iPhone, and again, oh so fun. I have no plans to upgrade my current cellular telephony. Now that I think about it, I have recurring dreams about phones and phone numbers, text messages, voicemail messages, trying to reach someone and missing them or them trying to reach me and I miss their call and only get their message.

So it seems that I'm wired even in my sleep. I would not be shocked to discover circuitry in my head. After all, resistance is futile. (Though I sincerely doubt it, I would be far more efficient and clever if that were the case.)

I got your sausage right heah!

While this may sound like an obscene comment overheard on Long Island (no offense), it is actually quite literal.

One thing I've learned is to follow instructions. First, as an attorney, I am bound by all kinds of rules and regulations. Deadlines, formats, fonts, evidence rules, procedural rules, ethical rules (I know, right?), and so on. In addition to that, I am coachable. This means that if you tell me that I have to do something a certain way, I'll do it that way. Not blindly, obviously, but I will follow instructions.

Kim's instructions, when I left for New Orleans, was to bring her back as much sausage as I can carry. Kim is my boss/friend/colleague/former law school professor, at whose house we stayed in New Orleans. She also said something about how she brings an extra suitcase with her. Translation: bring me back a suitcase full of sausage.

And that is precisely what I did.

When Kim saw it she laughed, she said "How much sausage did you bring?" And I said, "You said to bring back as much as I could carry, and so I did. I follow instructions, you know." Her eyes bugged out when I told her I'd spent $120 on sausage.

Yet another example of be careful what you ask for.

A prayer

Last night I woke up at 3am to pee. I don't know if you ever experience this, but every now and again, I'll wake up in the middle of the night at just the right moment, and then will be wide awake for an hour or two. Annoying. What's worse is that at night I have a tendency to suffer from anxiety. Last night I started fretting that no one likes me and no one wants to be in a relationship with me. I know, I know, it's old news, but what do you want, that's what showed up.

I decided, after an hour of tossing and turning, to ... pray. To what, I don't know, because I find the whole god notion to be patently absurd. I guess it was a mixture of praying, meditating and creating my day. It was 4am, after all.

Ok, so... Dear God:  ... Mmmh. No. I don't believe in god, really, not in the dear god way, that's just hypocritical. So. Dear Universe. ... What? Dear Universe? That's even more absurd. Oh I know, Dear Monkey God... huh? Ok, I'm not at all related to the monkey god, that's even more hypocritical.

Damn it, this is not so easy, is it?

Ok, here we go. Dear ... what? No, nevermind, no dear anything. How about, To The Universe. What? I'm not writing a memo, for heaven's sake.

Gah!

Ok. Here we go. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for.

Ok. Simple, easy to remember, I can do this.

Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for.

Damn it, I have to pee AGAIN? I did not have that much water before going to bed.

Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for. Bring me peace, bring me the love I've been looking for.

Ok, this is working a bit, I am not as anxious. This is good.

Bring me -- wait a minute, who will bring it? Didn't I just go through this with the whole God, Monkey God, Universe thing? If I don't believe in an external power, than who am I asking? What if I'm one with the universe and I'm the one who has to cause the cosmic shift to get me where I need to be?

I am peace, I am the love that I'm looking for.

Finally, empowered and happy, I fell asleep.

Oh boy

I was going to make this the "funny because crazy" This Week In Maliboo Kitty segment, but then I thought I'd just leave it at "if I ever make a video like this, you have permission to shoot me."

What's your favorite part? I'm undecided between the instructions for the right-handed people and the left-handed people or the Whisker Watch Alert. So much absurdity...

Life after the poltergeist

Recently, I was confronted by what I have dubbed a car alarm poltergeist.* This poltergeist consisted of the after market alarm arming itself about a year after I bought the car, and then getting progressively nuttier and beepier. I know beepier is not technically a word, but there's no better way to describe its behavior.

I finally lost patience with it when it actually went off at inopportune moments, and drove my ass all the way to Manhattan Beach (inconvenient from work and from home) to have them disconnect it. 48 hours later, the thing rearmed itself. I went again on Thursday (just as inconvenient as the first time, by the way), and they pulled out the chip altogether. Of course, all the car advice I'd been getting had been "pull the wire out." Yeah. Right. This car has seven, yes SEVEN, computers. Do you really think I'm going to go diving in there and start pulling on wires? I mean, seriously, if I pull out a wire from that thing it's likely that the Pentagon will shut down and all kinds of other hell will break loose. No. Thanks.

Now that the chip has been pulled out, my "key" opens the car on the first click. Before, I had to click it once, no response, then twice, car opens, third time, all the doors open. Now it takes 2 clicks instead of 3.

But the fun part is the horn. The only thing I have not been impressed with in this car is the horn. It isn't't so much a horn as a meep. Really, it's barely louder than a scooter, ok? I mean, it was kind of embarrassing. Today I used the horn for the first time since Thursday and instead of a meep I got a BLAAAAAARP!!!!!! I was all, holy shit, that's rude!

I'll have to lay off the horn now. I was using it somewhat liberally because it was so mellow - I'd just tap it, it would meep, and I'd be satisfied that I made my point. But now, well, I have to reassess the horn-worthy conditions.

I swear I keep waiting for that car to get recalled to the mothership, with me in it. I wonder if Verizon would have coverage there.

*The Unabridged Merriam-Webster dictionary defines poltergeist thus:
Pronunciation: plt(r)gst sometimes päl- or pl-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): -s
Etymology: German, from poltern to knock, rattle (from Middle High German boldern, buldern) + geist spirit, from Old High German; akin to Middle Low German balderen to make a noise -- more at BOULDER, GHOST
: a noisy and usually mischievous ghost : a spirit capable of making mysterious noises (as rappings)

Fire hydrants

I like to take pictures of fire hydrants. I realized a while back that they are all different, in shape, size, color, configuration. It's both boring and interesting. But I think when you see them all at once, you might find it more interesting that it sounds. Here's one to whet your appetite, taken in Hollywood. Or turn you off. Either way, here's the Flickr set for your entertainment.

Monkeys!

Photo courtesy of Ivy, ever vigilant for what will amuse and entertain her friends.

DIP

Spotted by Ivy and Frederick on their evening walk.

 

I don't know if it's funny or sad.  

It would totally have worked with me

The other night, Ivy and her friend found themselves on Sunset Boulevard, in Hollywood. They were approached by a black guy who asked for $1 in exchange for 3 black jokes. When they declined the offer, he insisted with, "How about 2 white jokes for 75c?"

I would totally have given him the money. I am not a proponent of ethnic jokes, but I do reward creativity in solicitation.