The Gurly Life

Oh boy

I was going to make this the "funny because crazy" This Week In Maliboo Kitty segment, but then I thought I'd just leave it at "if I ever make a video like this, you have permission to shoot me."

What's your favorite part? I'm undecided between the instructions for the right-handed people and the left-handed people or the Whisker Watch Alert. So much absurdity...

The sociopathy of governorship

Or, WTF??

At this point, I feel compelled to opine, mostly because the ridiculousness has reached stratospheric levels.

My US readers will know to what I refer, but for anyone else who does not, I shall begin with the most recent ridiculousness. Gov. Sanford, South Carolina, went for a hike on the Appalachian Trail to clear his head last Thursday and disappeared. He was gone through Father's Day (he has 4 kids), only to return Monday, explaining that he had taken a weekend trip to Argentina, on an impulse.

This would be weird for the average person (I mean, seriously, who goes for a hike and then ends up in Argentina? I mean, maybe Vegas, but Argentina?), but for the governor of a state, well, this is just bizarre.

Today the good governor revealed in a press conference that he has been having an affair with a woman in Argentina. [Awkward pause.] Yeeaaaahhh... ok, that's not really less weird. Here's how the NYTimes' article begins:

COLUMBIA, S.C. — Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina said Wednesday that he had been having an extramarital affair with a woman in Argentina for the last year, ending the mystery surrounding his disappearance over Father’s Day weekend and considerably dampening his prospects for a national political career.

But his confession and apology, in a rambling, nationally televised news conference, left other mysteries unsolved, like whether he had lied to his staff members as late as Monday about his whereabouts, whether the affair had definitively ended, whether he would resign from the governorship and whether he would even have acknowledged the affair had he not been met at the airport in Atlanta by a reporter upon his return.

This comes on the heels of Gov. Blagojevich, Illinois, who was recently indicted on 19 counts of violating Federal corruption laws. Which followed on the heels of Gov. Spitzer, New York, "whose rise to political power as a fierce enforcer of ethics in public life was undone by revelations of his own involvement with prostitutes." (Source, NYTimes.) And let's not forget a few years ago Gov. McGreevey, New Jersey, who resigned after admitting to a gay affair, and of course, our favorite, Bill Clinton, who before diddling Monica Lewinsky in the White House, was the philandering governor of Arkansas.

So what is it that has these highly public figures, who wax moralistic and principled, do things that are out of integrity with what they claim to stand for?

I don't know any of these men, not enough to be able to say how related they are to their integrity (and lack thereof). Frankly, I'm not in the mood for a lecture on integrity. I mean, either they get it or they don't, you know? But what strikes me is that anyone who is so much in the public eye would ever think they could do whatever they want, especially in the current climate of 24 hour news cycles. Seriously, the man is the governor of South Carolina and he goes to Argentina for the weekend to get some nookie? Makes a cigar and a stained dress positively quaint, don't it?

What I find entertaining, besides the disconnect with reality, is the hyperbolic naughtiness. I mean, they're like the Lex Luthors of the political world: spending thousands of dollars on prostitutes (you can't tell me a blowjob is ever worth $4,000!), flying to Argentina to a secret lover, selling senate seats, having not just an affair but a gay affair! 

Ah, the absurdity. My favorite...

A nutritional allegory

Slim Jim Factory Explodes, Kills Three, Requires HazMat Team 

By Lucy Bayly, 8:16 AM on Thu Jun 11 2009

A ConAgra plant near Raleigh, N.C., that makes and packages Slim Jim beef jerky was rocked by a huge explosion on Tuesday, killing three employees and sending dozens of workers and three firefighters to hospital with severe burns or "exposure to toxic fumes."

ConAgra spokespeople have been quick to offer funding for workers affected by the plant collapse, but not quite quick enough to explain why the heck they need 34,000 gallons of ammonia to make a spicy meat stick in the first place. [Ammonia is used to refrigerate the meat. -Ed.] The blast occurred in the packaging area of the plant.

Slim Jims are one of the most disgusting packaged "foods" out there. I have never eaten a Twinkie, but if the only option was a Twinkie and Slim Jims, the Twinkie would take it. For those who know me, that should tell you how disgusting I think Slim Jims are.

Perhaps ConAgra should consider that a food that requires ammonia in the preparation, and which can BLOW UP AN ENTIRE FACTORY, kill people and require hazmat teams to clean up, should either not be made at all, or the ingredients seriously need revising. If you follow the Slim Jim link above, it takes you the fund for the families of the deceased, if you are inclined to donate a little something.

This incident is not just allegorical, but ironical, too. To wit, a Slim Jim ad:

How do they know?

And frankly, I don't mind.

Earlier this week, my credit card was frozen. When I called last night to find out why, they said they needed to check some transactions. Two were mine, and one was not. They determined that the account was compromised, and it was canceled.

The transaction occurred on Monday and was for about $12 at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I have shopped there a number of times, so the only thing that was different was that it was a phone order (I usually shop there in person so I can use the coupons), and perhaps at some odd hour of the day. 

How the heck did they know? I've made much larger expenses, used my card in different states and different countries, and the card has not been frozen. I have received phone calls to verify certain unusual charges, like a new computer, before the credit card company verified them, but the card has never been frozen.

But something about this transaction triggered the fraud alert. Was it the phone order thing? I mostly shop in person or online, but not always. Was it the time of day?

Well, whatever it was, that's a pretty sophisticated program they're running over there. I'm comforted because they really are vigilant, which is good because identity theft is never fun. And frankly, I wouldn't have a problem with having a GPS locator in my neck, so if anything happens to me, I can be found, like one of those stolen car locators, you know? I wouldn't mind because I am comfortable with our government (I know not everyone is). But it occurs to me that if things changed and we suddenly found ourselves in an Orwellian totalitarian system, I won't be so eager to have GPS on me.

Anyway, I should be getting my new card tomorrow. Apparently, I'm a premier customer so they are expediting it. Mmph. By premier customer, I think they mean I pay my bill.

Are you kidding me with this?

This is really more of a series rather than a single post, I've used this title before.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, not after getting postcards in the mail for a company that gives people loans so they can have plastic surgery.

The newest prescription thingy is called Latisse, which is a topical treatment to grow out eyelashes. I don't know what I find more entertaining: the fact that there are possible side effects, like brown coloration of the irises (not reversible) and eye problems (what does that mean?), or that you can read about Brooke Shields' "journey" on their website. I mean, really? Journey? For heaven's sake, SHE GREW HER EYELASHES!

The video diary is spectacularly insipid. No, I take that back. It's boring. I think I need to read about climbing Mount Everest or freeing India from the British to make up for that.

Dude, like, you left your wallet at the crime scene!

My friend John B's car was recently involved in a hit and run accident. As in, someone hit John's car, and ran. The operative word, for the purposes of this post, is "run."

What appears to have happened (and I extrapolate from, you know, every hit and run scenario ever) is that the offending driver smashed into the back of John's parked car and took off, most likely because said driver had had a few too many drinks. John's neighbor was home at the time, heard the crash, and rushed to the window to see what happened. By the time the neighbor got to the window, the perp had fled.

Said perp probably felt mighty clever, thinking that considering how much they'd had to drink, their reflexes were sharp, sharp, sharp, and it didn't seem like anyone saw, woo hooo, home free baby. Oh the adrenaline high.

Except...

Let me take a moment to explain: this is the back of John's car, after the accident. As you can see, there is a rectangular piece of something that is impaled by the exhaust pipe. At first glance, it might appear to be part of John's car that somehow ended up sliding or smashing into a weird position as a result of the impact.

Drum roll, please...

That thing is in fact the license plate from the car that hit John's car and then took off.

Yup.

In case you didn't get it, let me sum up the facts thusly: Driver in vehicle A smashes his (or her) car into parked vehicle X, takes off almost at the speed of light, but leaves behind license plate, impaled on vehicle X's exhaust pipe.

Dude, don't go robbing any banks, it's not going to go well.

The moral of the story, of course, is that writing a police report takes longer when you're laughing.

Another first

The gantlet has been thrown down: what is the largest tow truck you can find? Internet searches don't count. It has to be your own picture.

"I told you so"

You may remember that exactly 28 days ago, I decided not to take ibuprofen for my girly cramps. I had about 5 minutes of bad cramps, and then it was over. I didn't move most of the day, and found I was ok.

This time, I had to go to court. I was tempted to take the ibuprofen, not wishing to writhe in pain while appearing before the judge (though the judge knows me and is pretty cool, so I doubt he would have had a problem with it). I digress.

Since I have a small Advil bottlet in my purse, I decided to hold off. If my cramps got bad, I could always take it. As it turned out, they weren't bad at all and frankly lasted way less time than when I was taking ibuprofen. I moved slowly most of the day, but I moved, and other than a few twinges early this morning, I've been fine. And I'm not as exhausted as I usually am.

In related news (health news, that is), I think I've settled on the blender I will buy. It's fancy and pricey, but not so much that it will hurt. Bed, Bath & Beyond has it, and I can use my 20% off coupon.

It can always be worse

For those who followed the dating posts avidly, a reader and fellow blogger, Dancingmorganmouse, has unearthed this gem. My favorite (so many to choose from!!) is the part about when a wife becomes a whore, and the transition into whoredom. I can't imagine why this man is still available.

What? So soon? But ... but ... that's too soon!

Today I called my new doctor (my PCP moved to Chicago to follow her husband after she got married - tsk!) to set up an appointment for a physical. Also, to meet him, because once you have a relationship with your doctor, if you call for something basic like antibiotics for a serious cough, you can spare yourself a visit. Of course, I am unlikely to call for a serious cough any time soon. I would like to point out that I've been cold-free for 7 months now. Every day that goes by my immune system gets stronger and more unassailable. I'm back, baby!

I digress. As I was saying, today I called my new doctor to set up an appointment for a physical. In my experience, the first appointment, and especially one for a physical, is set up about 6 weeks out. So I was hoping to get this done before I leave for Italy on October 16, that would be ideal.

I called the office, and a real live person answered after 2 rings. Francisco is his name. He was very cordial, and when I said I'd like to set up an appointment for a physical examination he responded, "Ok, great, how about Monday afternoon?" To which I responded, "This Monday?" And he said, "Yes, this Monday."  That threw me for a loop. I said, "Well, gosh, that's too soon, I expected to get an appointment in a few weeks." Francisco said "We don't like to keep our patients waiting." My appointment is for Friday morning, that's the earliest I could make it.

I do believe that this could be a sign of the apocalypse. Put your affairs in order, people, the world is coming to an end.