The Gurly Life

A fugitive from justice on Friday the 13th

This morning I was getting a document notarized, when I realized that my driver's license had expired on my last birthday.

EEEEK! What this means, my darlings, is that I've been driving around for a month like a fucking criminal! No, I kid, it's a fix-it ticket, BUT STILL!

Lucky for me, it's Friday the 13th today, and Friday the 13th is a notoriously lucky day for me. I was in my office, so I hopped in my car and drove to the DMV (yes, I drove TO the DMV with an expired license - what?!), paying special attention to the rules of the road. It would have been ironic but annoying to get pulled over and ticketed right at that moment. But of course, it being Friday the 13th, that did not happen.

As luck would have it (after all, it is a lucky day) the DMV was open today. They've been closing shop on Fridays lately because of the budget problems. But because today is Friday the 13th, and hence a lucky day, they were open. For me.

Either because people have gotten used to the DMV being closed on Fridays, or because no one in their right mind would go to the DMV on Friday the 13th, except for me of course because, as I mentioned, today IS Friday the 13th and therefore, lucky ... where was I? Oh yes, the DMV was very uncrowded and I waited all of 10 minutes before my number was called.

I was warned about how much of a hassle this would be, that I would have to take the written test again, blah blah blah. But, it was Friday the 13th, so all was guaranteed to go smoothly. I went up to the window with my little form all filled out and explained my predicament. It came as no surprise to anyone that I had never received the renewal notice (so, if you're reading this, I suggest you take a look at your license to make sure the expiration date hasn't come and gone).

I paid the renewal fee, I got my picture taken -- without makeup, so I should look like the criminal I am when the license arrives -- and my thumbprint, and that was that. I have a temporary license that will cover me until the new one arrives. Did I mention that the DMV employees were cordial, efficient, and had a lovely sense of humor? It's true.

It was all over in 20 minutes, and then I drove back to LA, and met no traffic whatsoever. Why? Because -- say it with me -- it's Friday the 13th, and it's a lucky day. I expect my new DL to arrive in four to six weeks.

The best part, after confessing to my crime spree on Facebook, was finding out that my dear friend Ms. Ranty Pants -- who has a vampire obsession like you cannot believe -- would prefer to be buried whole, will all her organs, just in case ... you know. Just in case ... what? I asked. Because hopefully, she'll turn into a vampire, she responded.

Now that's thinking ahead.

Why I should not be a judge

Today I was in court, and I enjoyed the judge lecturing the criminal defendants. It slows things down, but I so get it, if I were a judge, that's what I would do. I mean, let's face it, I have an opinion about EVERYTHING and will never miss an opportunity to dispense words of wisdom or advice to anyone who listens, or simply fails to stop me, out of politeness, or run away.

So can you imagine if I ever got a robe and a bench? Wow. I would be so fucking annoying they would remove me for a heretofore never used reason to remove a judge: that I'm fucking annoying.

And now, for your entertainment...

...a stupid criminal story. And weird.

Burglar victims wake to spice rub, sausage attack

By Louis Galvan / The Fresno Bee

09/06/08

A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.

"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond said.

If you must, read the rest of the story here, but the highlight is that a dog ate the weapon.

It's been a while

More than a few times, I've had conversations with people about common law marriage. Namely, I tell them that California law does not recognize common law marriage. There are quite a few people who are in what they believe to be common law marriages. The response I usually get when I reveal this incredible piece of legal knowledge is usually, "Really? Since when? It must be recent." No, I tell them, it's not recent, it's been a good long while. But I did not know how long exactly. Until today.

So now when I get asked the inevitable "Really? Since when?" in response to the discovery that there is no common law marriage in California, I will be able to say -- preferably with a straight face -- "Since 1895." Really, it's time to give it up people, common law marriage does not exist in California. If you know anyone who believes they are in one, tell them that they are not, and that other than what they can prove by contract, they don't have too many rights, and certainly not as compared to married couples.

Once again, firefighters

Recently, a building on the northwest corner of Hollywood and Vine went up in flames. The place was a total loss, including a large billboard that sat on the roof. As an aside, the corner looks much better without that obnoxiously large billboard, I hope they don't rebuild it. I was over there a couple of weeks ago, to photograph the hydrant on the southwest corner (the one with the cookie) and walked by the building. The ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives) was there, along with LAFD, investigating. I happened to look inside through the open doors. Good grief. In retrospect I should have taken a shot, but if you go to the LAFD photos you'll see what I'm talking about. This photo will give you a sense of it.

I left a comment on the LAFD blog post, and got this in response:

Los Angeles Firefighters are able to perform with consistency and valor due to the support of people just like you.

The strong and consistent voice of LAFD advocates makes certain that elected and appointed leaders in our City understand the importance of well-trained, well-equipped and highly motivated teams that are ready in the blink of an eye to put the needs - and sometimes the lives of others ahead of their own.

We truly appreciate your long-term interest in the Fire Service, and especially your vocal support of the men and women of the Los Angeles Fire Department.

Respectfully Yours in Safety and Service,

Brian Humphrey
Firefighter/Specialist
Public Service Officer
Los Angeles Fire Department

That's right, people: they are able to perform with consistency and valor due to the support of people just like me. Hah.