The Gurly Life

The idiot redeems herself

At least a little. You may remember my recent flirting debacle. Well, I have made up for it a little bit.

For anyone who has not read the previous post and does not wish to do so, the short version is that a rather attractive slightly older U.S. Marshal flirted with me in federal court, and I was too slow on the uptake to figure it out until I had left. Duh! You say. Yeah.

I went back to that courthouse a few more times since, and not because of the Marshal, because I wanted to watch my colleaguebosses in action. The Marshal would have been the cherry on top. Or the gravy, depending on whether you have a sweet tooth or prefer savory food. But I only saw him briefly yesterday. He seemed happy to see me, but couldn't stick around and then I left.

Today was closing arguments, so no more visits to federal court after today, and my Marshal was not there. What to do?

I decided to leave him my card with my cell phone number on it. Normally, when I do this kind of thing I get all squiggly and weird, but this time I decided not to. Damn it, I'm a grown woman.

So that's what I did. I left my card with the guys at the metal detector, asking them politely to pass it on to him. If nothing comes of it, oh well. It's not like I have anything to lose.

And yes, you may now call me smoooth operator.

What (I think) I discovered about internet dating

This is a short one, and I mean that not just about this post. Girls, keep you profile short and vanilla. I'm serious. I tried writing an honest profile, no dice. I deleted almost all of it and left a couple of pretty straight-forward paragraphs, and I get 10 times the attention.

My theories: (1) individuality occurs as crazy without context, and (2) men like to get a little info and then discover the rest over time. Too much info too soon is boring. No fun of the chase, no adventure of discovery.

It's a new moon, Part 2

I mentioned the other day that it's a new moon. As such, it is a good time to begin new endeavors. One new endeavor is trying match.com again. I'll probably do the Ivy League thing again, too, but that's it. In truth, the whole online dating thing makes me want to puke.

The other thing I started was committing to the new chiro for 12 sessions, in light of the fact that the first session really helped. So much so, in fact, that I was able to do poses I can't really do that well. For one thing, my twists have gotten crazy twisty. I mean, I could twist before, but now I'm twistier. My upper spine is also opening up a bit. The hips will be the last to open up, as they are the stiffest and where all my tightness gathers, but I can wait a few more weeks for that.

Suave. Debonair.

Imagine this: a dating website profile page, with about 9 photos. The photos look fairly normal, guy driving his car, guy smiling into the camera, guy doing some sports-like activity, and so on, until you get to the last picture:

Reflection of guy in the bathroom mirror, pointing a gun, basically at himself/the camera. A basic bathroom, no visible windows, a pink shower curtain behind him. And wearing sunglasses.

Where shall I begin?

The fray or not the fray?

So I'm considering getting back into the fray, i.e., the dating game. I'm bored and nauseated just thinking about it, but as Dean says, the idea of me dating in my mid-70's is kinda gross. Long story.

I might do a scorched earth type of thing, where I sign up for several different online dating services. If nothing else, it'll make for excellent blogging.

Edited to add: You know what? Plan scrapped. Oh yeah baby. The online thing is out. Done. Deirdre made an excellent point: going into it already resigned that I'm just going to be wading through bozos in the dim hope of meeting someone decent will not work. Well, it'll work if all I'm doing is looking for ridiculous people to write about, but ostensibly that would not be the reason. Actually, what Deirdre said is that an open and compassionate heart is necessary to find the right person. I think she's right. But I don't have openness and compassion for online dating, and I'm not interested in creating it.

Therefore, I'm going to follow my own advice (and Willow's): I'm going to go do the things I like to do and create being open while living my life.

Why I'm still single

I was sorting through some old emails, and I found one from a match.com guy. Here it is, for your reading entertainment:

well meet a film-maker, baker,chef, and a door-man on weekends,,,,,,,,,, and someday looing forward to opening a 24 hour gumbo and flower shop,,,,, so how are you today good i hope so ii see you done some travling cool, i been to a few places myself hey this is me my name is [redacted], i am 38, black 6'2 and studying film ,, i just enjoy life,,, i just got this lap-top,, i have photos on my yahoo.com, i will be gald tosent them do you have an email my is [redacted] well enjoy the night biggs,,,,

Well, it's not as bad as the weird white guy who acted like a cholo (not one of mine, fortunately), but they do have the comma ellipses in common. What is up with that,,,,,??

Not an interesting post

Tonight I went on IJL date number I don't know what. The guy was nice, smart, we had a nice conversation at a very good Chinese restaurant. And that's all I have to say about that.

See? Isn't it much more interesting when things go badly?

There is someone I just recently noticed, and Deirdre thinks he might be interested. So now I have to let him know I'm interested without actually saying it so that it doesn't get weird. Predictably, he's a cop, in one of our client PD's, hence the potential weirdness. I'll let you all know if anything happens.

Nice. Real nice. And classy.

This morning a colleague told me that she recently went on a date with a guy she knew from law school, and they went to some club. At one point she went to the restroom, only to return to find her date making out with a girl he'd just met. And yes, she left.

As we were talking about this (well, she was talking, and I was laughing), one of the secretaries walked in and told us about this guy she's been seeing on and off for years. They've been back on, and a few days ago she got a message "from" him. I use the quotes because apparently his phone dialed her home number accidentally, and her voicemail recorded a full five minutes of him sweet talking another woman. When confronted with this, he simply hung up.

And that's all for today's episode of "He broke up with you on a post-it?!?"

Karma, apparently, has a sick sense of humor

Remember how I was not thrilled with my last date from It's Just Lunch? Well, said the Universe, we shall see, shan't we? At least O was an interesting person and we had a nice evening of conversation and humor. Not my type in a million years, but a nice person.

Well.

Tonight I met D. Wow.

Wow.

I mean, wow.

And when I say Wow, I don't mean good wow, I mean are you kidding me with this?!!

I will spare you the whole painful hour, frankly I don't know why I didn't leave, but I will give you some of the highlights. This one, my friends, was a troll. Besides not being my type AT ALL (he walks on the treadmill for exercise, and I believe I mentioned I like powerful men), he looked like he had Bell's palsy, with one side of his face kinda droopy. When I saw him I had the urge to take off, you know, like in the movies or in those crazy stories you hear but cannot believe. But I was overcome by politeness (I will not make that particular mistake again, believe me) and I sat down. I was greeted by a grumpy and excessively loud Hello.

Me: [sitting down] How are you?
Him: [grumpy and loud] Tired.
I wait for him to continue. He doesn't.
Me: How come you're tired?
Him: That's a good question.
I wait for him to continue. He doesn't.
Me: Well, are you going to answer the question? If not, perhaps you can suggest another topic of conversation.
Silence, which I allow to drip along.
Him: Sometimes the answer to a question is complicated.
Me: Ok.
Waitress comes by and asks him if he wants another bottle of water. He says yes, rudely, but then asks if it's tap water. Upon discovering that the water that came out of the bottle was indeed bottled water he complains loudly that he asked for tap water.
Me: So what do you do?
Him: In a past life I used to teach physics.
I wait for him to continue. He doesn't.
Me: What do you do now?
Him: As little as possible.
Me: Nice job if you can get it.
Him: Because I can. [rubs his thumb and first two fingers to indicate he has money - which, by the way, I do not believe]
I wait for him to continue. He doesn't.
Me: Would you like to know what I do?
Him: You're a lawyer, right?
Me: Yes.
I wait for him to continue. He doesn't.
Me: Would you like to know what kind of law?
Him [after consideration]: Yes.
I tell him.
I wait for him to continue. He doesn't.
Me: You know, I don't think this is going to work out, I'm pretty sure we're not compatible.
He launches into a diatribe about how people always say they don't have time, and really, you didn't have time to call me in the last 10 years, I don't have time is just an excuse people use.
Me [confused]: That may well be true, but I didn't say anything about time, I said I don't think we're compatible.
Him: It's endemic to our society, this rush to judgment. Sometimes people see you at a restaurant and walk away before even talking to you. That's happened to me a few times. [Really? I can't imagine why, you're ugly and unpleasant, go figure.]
Me: I sat down and talked to you, but frankly, it's like pulling teeth and you're not exactly pleasant. [I remind him of how he began our conversation, and point out that it's not surprising I don't want to stick around]

I did stay for about an hour, during which time he mostly talked about his ex wife and his ex girlfriend and how they pretend he doesn't exist, and his brother, who pretends he doesn't exist, and his mother, who pretends he doesn't exist, and his cousins, who stopped calling him and pretend he doesn't exist. Story of his life, apparently. I asked, quite naturally, what it is he does that alienates everyone this way (though I think I know already), after all, I for one have not had this experience of people pretending I don't exist. With a predictable lack of self-awareness, he dodged the question.

He also told me that the job he left in Arizona to move to Barstow (where he now lives and which is, my friends, an armpit half way to Vegas) was the only time he left a job and wasn't asked to leave. Again, I say, with complete lack of self-awareness.

He assured me he doesn't want to get back together with his ex-wife but that if his ex-girlfriend was interested, he's give it another shot.

At this point, I'm getting ready to leave and trying to figure out who to call first to share this story.

As I'm about to get up from the table, he pulls out a little piece of paper from his shirt pocket and flings it across the table. On it, in pencil and in pen, is his first name, phone number, and the city he lives in with the date of the end of his lease. The piece of paper is dirty and smudged and untidy. I kid you not.

Me: Thank you for your time, I appreciate you driving from Barstow to meet me, but I will not be calling you. I wish you the best of luck.

IJL is either running out of people, or I'm dog food. Saints preserve us, people, I'm going to die alone - thank God!

Another date; or, that won't do at all

Tonight I met O, whatever number man from It's Just Lunch. I swear, I think they've gone nuts. Or maybe the guy lied a little bit. Don't get me wrong, O was really nice and we had a very good conversation, so I don't want you to think he was a troll or anything. But I was told he was 6' tall, brown hair, green eyes, athletic (he exercised up to 7 days a week). Ok, it's not necessary for someone to be an Adonis, nor 6' tall. But O was at best 5'2", he may have had brown hair at some point, and I suspect his exercise consists of strolling on the treadmill, which for me doesn't count. Remember, I like Marines and SWAT guys and firefighters, so vague exercise ain't gonna do it for me.

There is nothing wrong with all of the above, he really is a very nice man, has a lot of things to talk about, a sense of humor, smart, it was a pleasure to meet him. But he is quite outside the range of what I'm attracted to physically (and by the way, I have recently widened the range of men I'm attracted to, quite unexpectedly -- I think it's the yoga!), IJL knows what I'm looking for, I just don't know what they were thinking.

I'll be having a word with them.