Have you ever made a new year's resolution that you didn't stick to? Perhaps I should rephrase that: have you ever made a new year's resolution that you still remembered when the hangover passed? Yeah, me neither. And I don't even drink.
Unfulfilled new year's resolutions inevitably lead to either shame or cynicism. Shame because you can't stick to them and what kind of person are you that you can't even stay on a diet for longer than 48 hours. Or cynisim, because why bother with new year's resolutions when you're just not strong enough to stick to a diet for longer than 48 hours.
Let's face it: losing weight and getting in shape is really the only new year's resolution that we, doughy first-world mollycoddles ever make. For example: this year, I'm going to lose weight and get in shape. Or: this year, I'm going to meet the love of my life, because I will be in shape and thin by February. Or: this year I will get promoted and I will be a fit, thin boss. Or: this year I will travel around the world, and as a result I will be fit and thin. Or: this year I will lose a bunch of weight so I can go to Paris for a week and eat my own weight in food and still fit in an airplane seat. Or: this year I will travel to India to take care of the orphans and while there I will get dysentery, which will suck but on the plus side I will be super thin. Anyway, you get the gist.
If you're a big fat liar, like me, you'll say something like, oh I just want to be healthy and feel good, when what you really mean is I would like to lose a little weight and look hot, but if I fail, I don't want to be held accountable because I'm healthy, and that was my goal, that's why I said it that way.
Inevitably, we are broadsided by a chocolate cake, and that's that.
My solution: make resolutions that I am not likely to follow through on. I know, this might at first glance appear to be a cynical approach to resolutions, but bear with me. This is a win-win kind of deal. No, it's a win-win-win kind of deal. Here's my resolution:
I'm going to get in better shape than I already am so that I can look good in a bikini in April, when I go to Maui with Willow and Adam. This is also a good idea because I need to replace some of the muscle I have lost since I stopped running.
(You heard me: we're going to Hawaii. Jealous much? Don't get sidetracked.)
The likelihood of this happening is almost zero. I hate the gym, this is well known. Weight training tends to give me super chunky thighs, with no apparent decrease in cellulitic fat. So just as soon as I begin to notice an uptick in thigh meatiness, I will give up the weight training and decide to focus on cardio. Which I hate even more. I cannot make peace with being on a machine that simulates movement but that is indoors and where I can cover a distance of virtual miles without ever moving. It's nightmarish to me. So, that will fall by the wayside, also.
Where is the win-win-win, you ask? Well, here it is. If I fail, I win, because I made a resolution that I don't really intend to fulfill. If by some miracle (i.e., just to be contrary) I manage to stick with it, I win too because I will have built muscle, maybe lost some fat, and now look better in a bikini -- that's all kinds of win right there. And either way, I win because I feel zero pressure to actually stick with it, which actually makes it more likely that I will.
I should be a motivational speaker.
